Darkness cannot overcome the light. It is literally impossible.
If you close your eyes, light still shines through.
If you shut a door and turn off all the lights, there are still cracks around the door that allows light to get through no matter how hard you may try to block it out.
This is me, bringing my own darkness to light.
As a part of CGA, we are required to write a blog every other week as well as send out a monthly newsletter to supporters.
I haven’t done either of these since before Christmas break and if we are being completely honest, I haven’t sent out a newsletter since my first one back in November.
It’s not that I don’t care about everyone who supports me prayerfully and financially. It’s that I didn’t know what to say—I literally had no words because I felt like I was drowning in a sea of lies. I was trying to come up with these amazing, beautifully written, Truth packed blogs as well as awesome stories about what the Lord has been doing and showing me but I was sinking deeper into a place in my walk with Him that I, honestly, never thought I would walk through. There has been a battle waging inside of me; one where the enemy was enticing me with sweet poison and fake promises…a battle so strong and loud that I would hide in my closet for hours underneath a blanket…one that left me paralyzed with fear and confusion:
“This is real. This battle for my mind. This tug-of-war in my heart. This longing in my soul…Sometimes I sit and doubt who you are even though I know exactly who you are…I doubt your goodness. I doubt you are even there or that you are listening to me. I doubt your existence, even though for the past year I have seen nothing but you. How, after being firmly rooted in you this past year, can I feel so distant from that? My spirit screams for you yet is blocked by darkness. If your light overcomes darkness, why isn’t it busting down the door like a SWAT team?”
Therefore, I just went silent.
I allowed depression and darkness to envelope me because of fear of what people would think if they knew where I really was…because of shame for struggling with sin patterns of the past…because of this lie of having to be this picture perfect Christian even though I know there is no such thing. I hid behind this excuse of my medicine not working and seasonal depression (both of which are true but they weren’t the only reasons) until the Lord revealed that it was much more than that.
By hiding from those around me and blocking out people, I had unintentionally, or intentionally, (depending how you look at it) blocked out the Lord, His love, His Truth and His light. I was hiding like a child who breaks their mom’s favorite piece of china. I was shrinking inward like a dog when they get scolded by their master, except that I was the one scolding me. I was hiding like Adam and Eve after they ate the fruit from the tree.
The other day, the Lord gave me a vision:
I was sitting in this dark room alone, holding a key that unlocked the door. On the other side of the door was this light, the brightest light I have ever seen. After a while (and a lot of back and forth), I walked over to the door, unlocked it and stood in the doorway. Waiting for me was the Father…I slowly made my way over to Him and immediately He wrapped me in His arms. “You are mine” he whispered, “I don’t make defective things…I only make things perfect.”
I share all of this with you, not for pity, affirming words, or anything of the sort. But instead, to share that I am not perfect…I struggle…we, as humans are so far from perfect that it is humorous when we try so hard to be something we are not even designed to be.
Mostly, I write this as an apology for my silence, my absence, and my lack of communication, in hopes that you will forgive me.
